My therapist tells me weekly that it would be a good thing to write things out. I have resisted for almost 6 years-but tonight felt like a good night to write.
I turn 45 in 6 days. This looming birthday feels hard for me. Is it possible for someone to have 2 great loves in 5 years? If so, then that person is me.
Nidal-who I met because I asked the Universe for a change in my life path. Our lives haven't been easy the last 5 years...but we have had much joy as well...road trips, holidays and birthdays with our families, pillow fights, shopping (he loves to shop) and so much laughter. 2 years ago today, he brought the woman over from Israel who would become his wife. My heart was shattered-even though I knew it was coming. I couldn't breathe for weeks without pain. And oh how she hated me. She hated me for the fact that her husband loved me. His mother died last February. At her funeral, he got up to speak-and made eye contact with me the entire time-tears streaming down his face-refusing to look at her. Following the casket to her grave, he left her side and came to me. She never really forgave him..or me for that decision. He filed for divorce in September and sent her back to Israel. It's too late for us...he destroyed me when he chose her. We have tried since she went away, but the smiles just mask all the pain between us. We slept together-I finally gave in and it was ok...5 days later he started dating someone else and doesn't understand why I am so hurt. We are just damaged and hurting and I don't know that it can be repaired.
I count him as one of the 3 great loves of my life. But, our choices took us away from each other. I am not sure we can ever find our way back to each other.
And then there is Jeff. I met him last year-Feb 1st on a dating site..Feb 4th in real life. From the moment we saw each other, it was love. On our second date, he cupped my face in his hands, looked into my eyes and told me that meeting me was Fate..that he knew we would change each others lives. I love him completely. And it is horrible and heartbreaking right now. We decided to take a break back in October...but we aren't talking...it really is more of a break. The last thing he said to me was "I love you baby". How can the fates be so cruel as to let me meet someone that I finally feel happy with..that I finally feel complete...he was my equal in intelligence, emotional honest and all things that matter to me...and then take him away from me. My heart breaks.
I don't even know why I am writing this. What is the point? To tell someone that life still hurts 6 years later? To say that it doesn't get better? That the only thing that passes is time?
I feel devastated. I know that I wanted to feel the breathless love...and I did...and I do...but I am tired of hurting..of losing.
I told Nidal 2 weeks ago that I had only loved 3 people in my life. Jason, Jeff & him. I was sobbing on the phone with him when I said it. Everything hurts. Everything.
